So today on the podcast I am sharing something I’ve struggled with for 30 odd years.
A part of my life that I’ve found really hard to come to terms with and that used to be a real pain point.
And that my friend, is self-confidence.
Or as I like to call it these days - *How to find yourself*
Because at the end of the day, even if you identify as a really shy, reserved, un-confident person there are always going to be people you ARE confident around right?
Those people that you feel SAFE with... who are the ones that you really let your quirky awesome side hang out in all its glory yeah?
And those are the people you know understand you, get you and could explain WHO you are at the drop of a hat….
But to other people, you might be a completely different personality or seem like a completely different person!
And thats really what I want to dive into on todays episode, because I think it's a topic that we all face every day. You know how even the most confident, outgoing, stand-up-in-front of the world type people … yup they ALSO struggle with self confidence at times in their lives. They might have really awesome tools or have done lots of self development work to get past that, but it has still been there for them…. So really it affects all of us humans to some extent and I think its important to talk openly about that fact that its not some magical gift some lucky peeps are given, we all have to work on finding ourselves
SO...I want to share a little story with you…. You see I have a really loving mum, she is my rock, and we have had a really tight bond for my whole life - because our lifestyle used to be travelling so much, we spent a lot of time just the two of us hanging out, she homeschooled me for a bit, it was just us two kinda most of the time - kind of like a Gilmore Girls but without all the fast talking and single parent thing, .... so we have always had more of a friendship than anything else.
But here’s the thing, my mum is a dancing on tables-wearing a sombrero-inviting total strangers around for dinner extrovert.
I’m literally none of those things.
But for the longest time, like, 3 whole decades, I thought there was something wrong with me that i WASN’T that person. The thought of someone dropping over the my house without warning brings out this panic in me, where I’m stuck in a freeze like oh my god where can I hide this person is interrupting my sacred alone time… but for my dear mum, its like OH YOU’RE HERE YAY BRING YOUR FRIENDS and that person over there on the other side of the street, hey you, come on over!
Omg its So not me.
And I thought that I was faulty, or I would honestly get like really worked up and angry that I was being expected to be quote “social” when every cell in my body was craving quiet and alone time and to just chill with my book; or even guilty because I had zero energy to do anything and was like “Im out, I’m going to have a nap and not leave the house” but it felt like this person who is so much older than me is doing all the things! It was a real mind fuck...
It didn’t really click for me until I started getting into my own self love and self development journey 4 years ago that I started to do research and learn about all these different personality types and their kind of key traits and markers that make up how they tick. And Lo and behold, my introverted self was TOTALLY NORMAL PEOPLE….
So firstly, probably the most crucial step in this process I find is simply stripping it back to the simple parts, like the foundation - and for some people this might be unfamiliar, but just even really taking the time to look at yourself, without putting your judgy pants on - like I don’t want you to be talking to yourself like “oh my god, why cant you just be like her” … no Its gentle, its loving, its taking the small child version of yourself and observing that part of yourself… not judging it at all…
The most fundamental part I think, and a really good starting point if you’ve never really taken the time to consider it, when it comes to confidence, or finding yourself is working out whether you identify as predominantly introverted or extroverted…. Because what a lot of people who say might call themselves introverts might find is that they are actually REALLY SUPER extroverted around the right people. So its looking at it from the holistic point of view of how you feel the most ENERGISED through your whole life…
So for me, I identify as introverted… I recharge with loooooads of solitude and alone time…. I gain back my energy by living really slow, quietly, being in nature, having a blank diary …. All those sorts of things… and I’m fucking unapologetic for that!
I own that part of me! I had a situation where I was working with my coach just recently and we were looking at my goals and my calendar of all the epic things I want to achieve this year and we realised I had all this time that hadn’t been filled with action-steps but I was able to own it and go…. you know what? I’m leaving that space for ME TIME… I’m using that space to recharge, to look after myself, to put in the work to make sure Im taking care of my body my mind my soul etc….
In the modern world that we’re in, everything is so super hyped and fast paced, and we’re way more plugged in 365 days a year. Kind of without realising it I believe for the most part. Like try to think of a day within the past 3 months that you intentionally left your phone at home without checking it at all for an entire day? It seems crazy but we’re ALWAYS BEING ON in our life… its just whats expected of us….
And for some of you listening, although because Im quite specific with my community I’m talking to and building - I’m really intentional about building a space for fellow introverts… so i dont really know if I attract any extroverted people to listen to this podcast - but HELLO HI if you are I love you by the way! So for some of you listening that fundamental of even just taking the time to go ohhhhh shit, so THATS why I feel so drained and maxxed out and like Im not coping…. Is possibly because at the core of everything your inner introvert is being like bashed around with all the to-do’s, the people-ing, the energy you’re absorbing from others, like modern life is pretty damn hard on us introverted people… so we’ve gotta make sure we’re sticking up for ourselves and taking that step to go THIS IS WHO I AM… without feeling squirmy or self conscious about it.
Now when I first forayed into entrepreneurship and being in a role within our family business that was sort of a CEO come founder come manager come everything from mopping the floors to vision planning for the businesses… (more on how not good that was soon) but I had this fire in my that was like YES MATE THIS IS AWESOME, it was my first opportunity to get out of the cubicle world that I had been in for almost 8 years… I knew I wanted to be my own boss, dictate my own hours, have that freedom and creativity that came with being an entrepreneur….
So I threw myself in. Literally. I was suddenly working 80+ hour weeks, I was managing a big team of staff, I was serving customers 7 days a week, I was never having time off with my family…. I was burnt out and running on empty preeeeeeeetty quickly. Trying to be everything to everyone, including the mum that took my kid to sports on the weekend, cooked dinner (ok lets face it, picked up takeaways for dinner on my way home); you name it I was trying to do it. It was fucking horrific. I fucked my body and my mind so badly, that it really took my health collapsing to really give me the slap in the face that I needed to fully realise that I had turned into like this robotic monster version of myself.
So for a start, I had completely suppressed the core of who I was - by forcing myself to be this VERSION of a CEO that I thought I was supposed to be. I also didn’t give myself ANY time to recharge, or be still, or even fucking have time off because I was always working… but I also didn’t understand my like hardware. My operating system. I like to give the example of like the type of programme your computer uses - say Apple or Microsoft - like I didn’t know that different people have different ways their programme operates.
So let me explain this - theres different ways you can get a feel for what your operating system is, and SOME of you might be familiar with these but the two I find for me to be the most useful or just like dayum thats soooo me when I’ve done the questionnaire… are whats known as Myers Briggs, and also called MBTI…. And the other is the Enneagram… I’ve done both to really get into understanding myself better and who i really am - but there are others that people swear by, one I haven’t done but I’m super curious about is Human Design (if you’ve done that one definitely jump in my DM’s because I’m really interested to know more about it!)
So anyway, what this helped me with was to understand WHY I operated the way I did in life right, so it gave me a result for Myers Briggs I’m an INFJ and in the Enneagram I’m a 5 wing 4
The guts of what that means for me is that I’m a natural lean towards being an Advocate for other people and a Teacher or Healer. I’m NOT a corporate CEO bitch who is managing people, that type of activity is actually really draining for me (hello, introvert here) and I get lit up by working to help people and create solutions to ease pain points for them. My enneagram result basically means I am a natural investigator and life long learner, but I have a creative & sensitive streak….
So you might be thinking - well thats great but what does that mean when it comes to self confidence?
Understanding your personality I think is one of the biggest things to help boost self confidence in your OWN gifts and talents. It helps to kind of go OHHHHH that makes sense now why I’m different to her, and I’m not the same as her, and why I really click with that person
Its like suddenly turning the light on to your true personality - without all the bullshit of say what your job says you are, what your family tries to tell you your are, what society tells you that you should be.
Because really, understanding and loving yourself for EXACTLY who you are is such a core fundamental of self confidence. It is like the fast track. Being able to look at yourself - AGAIN FRIEND without judgy pants on - and go YEP this is me, this is who I am, and also being able to spot the areas where your weaknesses are right? Like being able to own your own shit is also a huge part of building your self confidence I think - so for me one REALLY big message that came through when I was looking into my way that i operate or who i really was is that a weakness I have is that I will push past all warning signs flashing lights road cones in my physical body that are telling me i need to rest, slow down, take care of myself… because i get really caught up in the idealistic “I CAN DO IT ALL AND I KNOW HOW TO DO ALL THE THINGS AND I CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE” kind of thinking and I push and push and push … but its unsustainable, and thats why I was suffering burn out so often….
So rather than being like - Im a failure, Im so lacking in confidence because I suck and I couldn’t do everything … or feeling like Im not achieving as much as someone else - hello comparison game of spending too much time scrolling through social media - I was able to OWN my self confidence in the way I operate UNIQUE to me… like being able to know at my core what my unique gifts and talents are, and be unapologetic about it… like hey, I'm going to climb mountains and do incredible things and help millions of women all over the world - but I’m going to do it in the way that suits me and is best suited to my operating system… so that looks like being able to walk my dogs in the morning on the beach with bare feet connecting to nature, and then work from home in my undies if i really want to… and grow my own veggies that i eat for lunch… rather than being in a city environment having networking coffee dates and attending lots of social events and people=ing….
I like to think of self confidence as a mix of understanding your mind and understanding your body and energy …. If you can get those two in harmony, then you as a holistic whole person feel fucking fantastic right? And that ultimately leads to a calm, serene confidence in WHO you really are… like you’re not trying to be something that you are not
NOW - All of that being said, those places a really awesome point to start from - but I also want to talk about knowing that you can CHANGE things once you know where you are… or WHO you are I should say…. Let me explain - so think about it like having the spotlight turned on yourself & your inner working mechanism right… once you know confidently WHO you are, you can make tweaks or do the self development work to grow your confidence in the areas that maybe you know you WANT to be a badass in, but that doesn't come naturally….
So a story I have about this right is my body basically has the natural ability to bulk up, gain muscle, Im like a power battery… I can go all day long and pack a punch in a small package…. Im pretty much the classic weightlifter type body shape, low centre of gravity, big strong legs and thick core…. ANYWAYS… I used to excel at sprinting… I was good at sports that required stamina but sprinting (so for those of you familiar with touch rugby that was my jam and 100m was my favourite track event…) BUUUUUUUT what I didn’t have much natural ability in (and TBH i still don't) is flexibilty, feminine movement, or upper body strength…. But because I knew my natural ability, it didn’t mean that I wasn’t a YES to try those other types of movement and exercise… and especially as I’ve gotten older and healed my adrenal fatigue I’ve also learned that what worked for younger Rose now doesn’t work for my body type these days, you guys know Im all about going for big hikes up hill or yoga or walking the beach…. So pretty much what Im trying to say here is that I KNOW what I’m naturally good at, but it doesn’t stop me from working on the things that I’m clumsy and awkward at right?
So bottom line even though you might have a result like say for me that says Im a INFJ on paper or a 5 wing 4 on paper …. It also doesn’t STOP me from growing in the areas that don't come naturally to me right? I know what my purpose is and my goals are for not only my business but my life as a whole… and so I choose to work on those things like being confident to be on camera, to talk on my insta stories, to show up every day on social media…. You know, I can laser focus in on areas where I choose to grow and learn and work those new muscles that are fragile or not so strong… but Its coming from a place of kindness and understanding of myself, and really just owning that its not so easy for me and thats really why IM being compassionate to myself and I think that also breeds self confidence because Im like HEY OVER HERE… I GOT THAT… IM GOOD…. IM SOLID…. But these things over HERE… Im learning and Im growing and I love that part of myself…. So it breeds self confidence because Im celebrating the fact that I'm trying something new and enjoying the process, rather than coming at it like OMG I'm supposed to be good at this already and comparing myself to someone else
I hope that this is resonating for you …. Its a topic that i love to get into… I really believe at the core of our self confidence it comes down to understanding WHO you are, and loving that version of yourself SO DAMN HARD… because that person and how she ticks is YOU…. it gives you the keys to look inside yourself for your WHY…. which is ultimately what your hard wired to do right? - whether that thing might be philanthropy, or teaching, or educating, or creating, or entertaining… you know that core operating system that you naturally come back to… and just celebrating yourself for BEING that unique person! Because the world doesn’t need 6 billion Beyonce's, it needs the celeste barbers, and the Malala's and the Jameela Jamil's and the Greta Thunberg's, and it needs you exactly for who you are.
And this, like understanding this and feeling this in my core, for me personally, has really saved my sanity in the past when it comes to answer those questions like “who am i really?” or how can I boost my self confidence…. Especially when you’re in a state of overwhelm or feeling maxed out & that you’ve lost yourself… which for a lot of us women are really common emotions or periods in our life… so whether you’er in that sort of season and you’re listening to this episode like fuck I don't know … its a really good place to start just to get clear on who you are and to clear away some of that fog or doubt
And just know, you are special, unique and magical… and the world needs you to be YOU … I believe that everyone has a purpose and everything happens thanks to devine universal energy …. And you’re on the timing and path you are meant to be on - so love yourself, love who you are, and be confident in who you are lovely
And remember - You've got this.
Love, R x
CLICK PLAY BELOW TO LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE OF LOTUS LIFE THE PODCAST
PODCAST SHOW NOTES
This episode of Lotus Life The Podcast with Rose Tautari is covers self confidence, how to unlock the keys to WHO you really are, and fully OWN your individuality with confidence no matter whether you are at the start of your self love and confidence journey or if you have been on the path for some time now!
This episode goes into:
*Sharing what used to make me feel like I was a failure or faulty
*Learning about the fundamentals of your confidence as an introvert
*How to turn the spotlight onto yourself first
*Tools to unlock your personality traits and operating system
*How you can understand what those mean for your self confidence
*How I have applied these principles to go from repeated burn out and low self worth, to be thriving in my life and business
Be prepared to share this one with your friends! And when you do tag me @rosetautari and let me know so that I can see what you enjoyed the most from our chat!
NOTES & LINKS:
Free Weekly Energy Planner download >>> https://bit.ly/2ThsBEd
MBTI/ Myers Briggs >>> https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test
Enneagram >>> https://www.9types.com/rheti/index.php